Saturday, September 24, 2011

Running the Race?

She always knew she should run. As a young girl and well before she was told she couldn't, she took such delight in running! The feeling of the wind rushing by her face and the burn in her chest as she ran and ran and ran... It was heaven! But alas, running wasn't considered to be lady like! Particularly for a girl of her station! So as she grew from a little girl into a young woman the social pressures mounted and she learned to suppress her need for running to that of a slow walk. Walking first to school until acceding to her mother's wish and driving... and for a few years, blissfully out of reach, she walked to class while in college, and of course she walked to the alter... Why she even walked to the car that took her to the hospital where she would have her two children, and every time she walked, short as it was, she sadly remembered her need and love of running.

One day, the kids at school, her husband at work, the old need simply became too much... So she drove to a park in a distant town, put on her trainers and took to her heels. Alas time is cruel and it will take back those things which are not used, and so it was with her! Her once limber legs had grown stiff and her lungs ached after only a few hundred yards... But beneath the stiffness and her gasping for breath, her limbs weakly whispered... run... run... run! So she went back to the same little park the next day and the next and the next each day after that! Pushing herself each time just a little further, a little faster as her body slowly adapted again to the running...

Then came the day she had been dreading... The day when she had to tell her husband what it was she had been doing these past few months. Despite her diligent care and her attempts to hide her running, she had been seen by one of the neighbors! With the small size of their social circle it wouldn't be long before he found out! So sick to her stomach she tried to make it as painless for him as possible... She fixed him a wonderful meal and all through it she lauded him for his selfless work in taking such good care of her and the children! Prattling on about what a great husband and father he was... but in the end, there really wasn't a good way to say it, so she just said it.

 "Honey? I've taken up running"

To say he was shocked by this outrageous pronouncement was an understatement! He sputtered, bellowed and stormed, Why hadn't he given her everything? What could she possibly lack for that she would embarrass him so! I really don't think it mattered what she said at this point, as lost as he was in his anger, berating her again and again for being a fool and an imbecile! Still, despite the horrible pain he was inflecting she knew she could never stop running. This was who she was and she had to run... or she  knew she would die! Needless to say that night she slept alone! Just as she would till the day he left her...

Telling her mother was even harder, Her mother after all had tried so hard to make her life better than her own had been.. Sparing no expense and doing all she could to make her daughter into the perfect wife! She worked and slaved so that her daughter would become this lovely and delicate flower of womanhood, fluent in all the social graces and the tasks which are expected of women! All of which she did with style and ablomb. She knew she had been good clay and she had indeed become the perfect woman in all respects! So for her to take up something so... so... unseemly and... well common was beyond the pale! But unseemly or common as it might be, she would not and could not be deterred... She had to run!

Her mother, feeling totally betrayed after all she had given her daughter, as had her husband and the rest of the family, turned her back on her. Leaving this lovely hot house flower homeless, childless, and all alone out in the cold! Seeped in pain and trying to make her way in a world she had no experience in, she vowed to do what she must do! She ran! While food might be in short supply at times, as was often a place to live, still she had to run... Each and every day she was taking it further and faster... The pain from the loss of her children, her world and her family driving her on to do her best... Oh my yes! Was the price for her to run high? By comparison a pound of flesh would have been next to nothing of what had been asked of her! But the need to run simply could not be tamed... She had to run!

She ran through the dead of winter. Fighting the cold that sank into her bones and made them ache, just as she ran in the heat of summer whiles the heat from the pavement burning and blistering her feet. But free at last, there was no pain too great to deter her so on she ran... longer, further, faster... she ran and she ran...and she ran!

She felt she had wasted so many years of her life in denying this need and who she was! Though it had cost her more dearly than any could possibly know...still, bit by bit she took back what was lost! In fact she even bettered it on occasion... First she ran alone, then with great trepidation she ran with a few others who talked her into running in the local races which she to her surprise she won! Then came the larger ones... She had to work all the harder now but in time she would go from jsut finishing to placing to winning, even there she was winning! But win or not, what was important was that she ran and she ran! Not because she had something to prove or even that it had cost her so dearly, but because she simply had to run!

In time she even made the Olympic team! That certainly wasn't at all what she set out to do... She had run simply because she had to run, but having paid the terrible price she did to run, she knew she had to give it her all... After all, she had put everything she had on the line to  do this! She had sacrificed mightily but at long last the efforts were acknowledged, an offer given, and so here she was... An equal among the best of the best... She was a Runner!

The day of the event finally came... The gun went off and she ran... Oh how she ran! Running harder than she ever had before! Pushing herself far beyond whate ven she thought even she could do! Then in utter disbelief that it could even happen, the pack quickly receding behind her! With her heart racing, she was doing what everyone in her life told her was impossible... Despite their nay-saying, despite the struggles and the pain, she was not just running... She was winning!

There! Up ahead! With her energy all but spent, she caught sight of the ribbon! Oh My God! It can't be can it? But it was! There it was and that ribbion was hers and hers alone! The pay off for all the years of work and pain! She had given up her family and her social standing, she had accepted grinding poverty and the loss of her children and all of that was just about to bear fruit beyond her wildest dreams... She was that day, the best runner in the world!

But there, ahead of her, just a few feet from the ribbon, another "runner' stepped from the crowd, followed by another and another and another! In fact, it seemed the closer she got to the line the larger this crowd of "runners" grew! This was insane! Who were these people? Where were the judges? What could possibly convince someone that they had the right to enter this race ahead of her and only a mere feet from the finish? This was madness!

To her horror these "runners" took her ribbon and crossed the line ahead of her, leaving her well back of this new pack as she crossed the line... She wasn't the first now! Why she wasn't even in the top ten! "But but but" she stammered to herself as a huffing and puffing three hundred pound woman was lead over to the awards stand to receive her medal! That is, after three stout men pushing and pulling got her up there of course! The same was true for the second and third place "winners" too! Each a veritable bag of lard and each unable to even get up onto the stand by themselves! Yet they they were! Standing one two three with their medals round their necks! Grinning like fools while the audience by their applause signaled the approval of this charade! She felt her head swim... This was right out of some grotesque nightmare! It was she who had run this race not they! She and the other women who ran the race were now lost in the cheering crowd! Wasn't it they who had trained for this? Wasn't it they who had paid the blood price to even get here, much less to win? So who then were these people on the awards stands? These "running" imposters claiming her stage. getting her accolades and the acknowledgement of her sacrifice! Why one of them, upon getting down from the stand had to promptly set her large derrière upon her electric scooter as the walk back to their car was... well... too strenuous!

TOO STRENUOUS? TOO STRENUOUS? She was beside herself now! These people did nothing but stuff the last crisp into their mouths, down the last of their big gulp sodas then waddle across the finish line and it was they who were being hailed as the champions?

Too much! It was all too much! Alone and distraught she caught the bus back to town that night... Disbelief crowding out all other thoughts... Next to tears at what had been taken from her so rudely she entered her small shared apartment and turned on the TV.... There they were again! On every channel! The grinning "winners" A whole bus load of couch potatoes claiming that because they had wanted it, they were owed the work she had done to reach that finish line when they'd done none of it! Reporters idiotically and eagerly thrusting their hungry mikes into these pudgy faces as the imposters gladly accepted their victory and extolled the fact that "one really doesn't have to actually run the race to win the race!"

It was all too much! So she reached over turned off the set and went to bed! Distraught or not, over the next few days, then weeks and months, she went back to her same old routine... Her getting up at the crack of dawn well before her long day at work to put in five or so miles. running whenever and wherever she could ! Running on the weekends and even at nights when she could! She ran... she ran and she ran. She ran just as she had ever since that day she set foot in the park that first time.. giving it her all... And always, just to get that feeling the joy of the wind in her face and in her limbs stretching to reach the road!

Meanwhile the winners to that race and the next and the next became media darlings! Traveling round to colleges and being paid well to give lectures on how racing and running were not really connected and that all that mattered was in getting a good place to stand really really close to the line so that it was easy to cross! In fact they renamed the sport! After all, as they saw it, running as a word was... too... well... aggressive! Besides "running" really didn't describe what it was they were doing to win these races! They weren't runners they were "locomotes" and Locomote was a much better word than running cause it includes everyone who moves upright in some form or other It includes all those who walk, amble or even those who roll... and of course,  so very graciously it even includes those few benighted souls who still, for reasons that elude,  run!

Why they even started their own lobby in DC... The NALA The National Association of Locamotives of America!  After all there were still many many race-ists out there who thought that these race things should require one to run in them the whole way, rather than saunter, sashay or stroll cross the line! Their rally cry became "We are the locomotes! We're loud and we're proud! Get use to it!" (shouted only in short gentle bursts of course as to do other wise required way too much breath!)

For a while she protested the insanity, but it was often only her weak voice against the legions of locamotes and they readily shouted her down as a hater and a running elitist! Why it seemed they were suddenly everywhere! You could hardly turn on the TV or open a magazine without seeing a locamote begin featured! They even organized special conventions of locamotes all over the nation! They would gather in these grand hotels for a long weekend of slow ambling, jaunting and circumambulation with lots and lots of finish lines simply everywhere so no one ever felt left out of the winning! Aftewards there would be huge lavish feasts cause we all know that getting out of a chair is so darn much work!  Once sated the feasts would be followed by rousing inspirational speeches given by the newly minted Phd's who'd just gotten their degrees in locomotive studies! Eachof which was in essence a long rambling thesis's about how everyone is a locamote in someway somehow!

Mean while, she just kept on doing what she has been doing before all the fray. She ran and she ran. Doing exactly what she had done before simply because she had to do it! And if on occasion upon hearing herself called a locamote and she got angry and kicked a news box or TV... well... try to be kind cause you know how those runners are!


Monday, September 12, 2011

Gee, How DO you to tell an Apple from an Orange?

Well Kiddo's, one of our most favorite-ist of Blog-O-Stan activists. Who, possibly inspired by my so very humble efforts of late to elucidate, that most of the things the deluded insist are the same, are in fact very different? Well that same activist done went and pulled out one of their all time favorite Transsexual erasure tools in reply! The Front-Loaded Concept! Front-Loaded Concept you say? What the heck is a Front-Loaded Concept and what has that to do with Apples and Transsexuals?

Quite simple dear ones!  Front-Loaded Concept is making a statement or question that can only be replied to by putting the recipient into a lesser... or socialogically speaking, a one down position VS one up! Confused? Here! Let me illustrate the concept for you!

Say I walk up to a random man on the street and say, "So, When did you stop beating your wife?" Assuming he's not from one of those scary Jerry Springeresque family trees with no forks in it. He is going to sputter and spew and deny up one side and the other (we hope!) that he has never, ever, beat his wife! Likely as not, that is the case, but... BUT! By my putting this to him as a front-loaded question, an indelible stain was cast upon the poor man that yes, he really must have beat his wife some time no matter how he answers the question! Deny it or confirm it, he is still replying to the question of when did he stop beating his wife which implies that at some point. He must have beat his wife or else, how could he possibly stop?

Got it?

Good... Now take a little gander here! Autumn Sandeen  has used this Trans-Activist favored  bit of linguistic sophistry yet again to say "why we all just gotta be one big Ol' happy family, no matter how different we are," and Autumn has done it by comparing all of us to apples!

Why Miz Know It All! Have you lost your cotton picking mind? How could that possibly be front loaded? What could possibly be malevolent about Autumn agreeing with exactly what you have been saying all along! That we are indeed different, and then comparing us and our many many differences to all the many many different kind of apples?

Simple Kiddies! Remember that old saying "Comparing Apples to Oranges?" Well that old saw becomes a front loaded concept designed to make the recipient wrong no matter what they say.... When... one leaves out that little itty bitty pesky "oranges" part and makes it all about comparing apples to apples! Well of course apples are apples! Duhhhhh! No fooling Autumn! Be they Crab Apples or or Miz Know It All's absolute fave, the Johnson Winter Apple.. Yes they are all apples! Why even that tiny hard acorn sized proto-apple still found in the Tian Shan Mountains on knee high thorn bushes are apples! So no matter if they are big or small, green, red, yellow,  and every color of the rainbow between, they are ALL apples!

But! compare all the apples you want cause they ain't never gonna become no oranges! 

Nice try Autumn! Hate to tell you but you gotta get up a lot earlier in the morning if you think you can push that old trick past Miz Know It All! Oh, and by the way? An orange ain't an apple and a sausage  ain't no taco, no matter how you tuck it!


Sunday, September 11, 2011

This too will be on the Test!

Morning Campers!

Well I must say! Miz Know It All is so very very proud of you for the hard work you put in on your last lesson! So what do you say? Shall we move on to another lesson which all to often seems to be forgotten here in Blog-O-Stan? Even though it like the other will be on the test! Good I love your spirit! Ok here goes.. These are Kiwis! They are sorta egg shaped, usually come in pairs though some times there is only one and they are all fuzzy on the outside and in the hand they are sorta firm but be careful as they are very very easily bruised!

BananaNow this is a Banana! It too is firm to the touch like the Kiwis, but unlike the kiwis, it is very smooth on the outside and unless the banana is VERY ripe, it can stand a little rougher handling than the Kiwis but only to a point! After which the poor banana will be left a bloody mess! So remember! Always treat your banana with care!

Oh My y'all are so observant! Yes, like yesterdays lesson these two things are indeed different! But... they are so very very good together that you will almost always find a pair of kiwis hiding right down under a happy banana just waiting to be consumed! In fact, a banana is alway so much better with a pair of kiwis, why most days it almost seems they grew together!

But here is the tricky part... There is scandalous rumor going round Blog-O-Stan that if one takes the two kiwis away from the banana... That the banana... well it stops being a banana! I know shocking isn't it?I mean it may not be a tasty and it may be over looked for say a banana that does have it's tasty kiwis still with it but clearly it is still a banana isn't it?

Oh but hold onto your hats little ones as there are a few wingnuts who claims that a kiwi-less banana stops being a banana and becomes a taco! I know I know... hard to believe someone could say such a silly thing isn't it but as all of you know! There are some very strange fellas that live on the fringe of Blog-O-Stan and they are likely to say the darndest things! (you can usually tell them cause they are wearing an aluminum foil liner inside their beret to keep the CIA from reading their thoughts!

So lets review shall we? This is a pair of _______?
And this is a ________? Banana
and this is a________?

Why you got it right with your very first try! I'm so proud of you! ! Yes The first was a pair of Kiwis! The second was indeed a Banana and the last part which you remember from yesterday is indeed a Taco! My you are all so very smart, I bet you all get an A+ on your tests!

That's it for today, so run outside and play but be careful cause there might be a few of those a banana without a kiwi becomes a taco folks hanging round the playground and who knows what sort of crazy things they might do!


Saturday, September 10, 2011

This will be on the Test!

Morning Campers!
Miz Know It All has had such a great vacation! I mean between her avid participation in the nude volleyball finals and then her entertaining "Thor!" Why... She just hasn't had a moment to spare!

But alas it  is September up yonder in the Nawthen Hemispheah! Time for pencils books and lots of teacher's dirty looks, and being the kindly woman she is! Miz Know It All has decided to give all of you a little crib sheet for something that she knows will be on the test but which seems to evade oh so many here in Blog-O-Stan!

The difference between a taco and a sausage!

This My Darling Campers is a Taco... Can you say Taco? Good! I just knew you could! Lets say it together shall we? Taco! Very Very good! I'm so proud of you all!
Now this Dear Campers is something very very different.. it's a Sausage!
I know, I know... that's a kinda scary and much longer and harder word to say... and if it is at all like Thor's Sausage was, it is much longer AND harder period... But lets break it down shall we? Sau-sage! Don't worry I know it looks really big and scary particularly when you are all up close to it like this, but it really is an easy word to handle! Just wrap those mental fingers around the word and say it like this! Saw-Say-Gee! Good! But let me add that unless you hail from Mississippi lets try is again dhall we and this time soften the Gee sound on the end... Sausage! Very good! My My My! what Smart Campers you all are! You got it right the very first time! Sausage!

Now I want all of you to study these two very very different things really really hard and, why, I just know you will get it! See the sausage? See? It is all long and round and unless it is very very hot it is kinda all dangly and soft to the touch... Which you will note the Taco is not! The Taco is small and compact and full of all kind of rich juicy goodness contained between two tasty outer leaves and the Taco does not change texture or shape like the sausage does when it gets hot but it does get a whole lot juicer!... (refer back at the pictures if you have to)

So do we have it yet?  My I certainly hope so cause THIS WILL BE ON THE TEST and Miz Know It All will be terribly disappointed if her oh so very smart Campers can't tell the difference between two things that are so very very different!

Well that is all we have time for today Campers and I know you all want to get right to it so I am going to leave you to your studies!
So for now,