Susan had married him when she was in her early twenties Funny, looking back now it seems to her she was so terribly young, little more than a mere babe in the woods with no business doing such a silly thing as marrying a man! Yet at the time it felt to her that she was an ancient, wise and worldly old sage full of the knowledge of all things. She wanted to reach out and shake her younger-self, to warn her and to say she was a fool but the memories never wavered and the reality that was now her's never changed
They'd had met at a coffee shop. She standing behind him in line waiting for her turn. He had gotten his coffee and being young, male, brash and of course, in a complete rush had turned and run smack into her, spilling some of his oh so precious double shot espresso onto her skirt... What? Who? He thought! How dare someone cause him to spill his coffee! He was just about to give her the same verbal tongue lashing he gave anyone who dared to get in to HIS way when he found his gaze traveling from her shapely legs up past the growing brown stain on her skirt to her lovely breasts and her fresh young face...
When their eyes locked... his mouth still hanging agape with words that would forever go unsaid, he knew in his heart of hearts that he was smitten and that he would have this woman as his wife! And so it was... The man in a rush and the woman with coffee on her skirt became he lovely young couple and they were were married five years later... Oh, the marriage might have happened even earlier, he had often asked but there were the usually fights to get past as well as the struggle of school and besides he really did want to finish with his training before marriage so she had quit school so she could work to support them both...
But the day came and it was quite the day indeed for not only was she to become his wife, she was also pregnant with their first child!
She was so in love
Life felt blessed for the both of them, though it was often a struggle. So little income and so many expenses but Susan came from a long line of strong women and she soldiered on! Working outside the home and in, with a child on first one hip and then later a second child on the other, she stood behind and beside her man as they built a life together...
She was so in love
Often she would find herself waking a few moments before him and the children, and there in the dark laying against him, her head cradled on his strong chest, feeling it rise and sink with his slow breathing... The musky smell of him rising from the bed clothes and the pressure of him pressing against her made her swoon all over again...
She was so deeply in love
Time went on as time is want to do...Their children grew and blossomed as the family moved upwardly. Passing from house to house, their twenties became their thirties and their thirties became their forties and still they were still considered by one and all to be the perfect couple... True they were no longer the pretty but naive children who married oh so long ago... It their place they had become that lightly greyed couple which Madison Ave. loves to use as the image of stability and security. A couple well on their way towards a golden anniversary when their friends, their children and their as of yet unborn grandchildren would gather round them in their home to wish them well for a long and happy life.
She was full of love
Alas things were not as blissful between them as they may have seemed outwardly. John, for that was his name, had been troubled these past few years... He had become sullen and withdrawn from her. Their couplings becomeing less and less frequent as as his intrest in "playing" rather than love making grew... She had never really liked "play" John was a mans man after all and nothing about him was the least feminine! It was in part why she had been so attracted to him and it was the way she had wanted it... but still... she had been willing to go along with him and his "play." After all, she loved him with all her heart... So if he wanted to "play" these silly little sexual games now and again and it made him so happy, what harm could there be in it?
She knew love
Oh for certain this "play" did nothing for her, It seemed farcical if not downright silly, this desire to dress up and prance around the house in ill fitting womans clothing but he always was so excited by it and the lovemaking that followed, rare though it had become, was always lusty, hard and fulfilling so she went along with him for the most part. She even bought clothes for him for his birthday and Christmas just to see his face light up as it had once lighted up when he looked at her.
She remembered love
After all, it could be worse, she knew and knew all to well! He could be impotent as so many of his compatriots were, he could have become a cheating bastard and unfaithful to her like some of her friends husbands had. Or she could have found herself in the dark place some of the other wives had come to when their husbands over the years pulled them into some of their really weird sexual peccadilloes!
She was warm with love
Then came that day. That horrible horrible day when he "Confessed!" Oh she knew something was up...This was not the first time they had had a go round about his "play." His "play" had ebbed and surged as the years went by but each time it returned it returned just a little stronger. He would become more and more emboldened with that and he had said he wanted to take it from their bedroom into the real world which she had resisted with all her might! Limit reached, she would threaten to leave him, he would purge his play clothes, swearing to her and all that was holy to walk the straight and narrow. For a time things would get back to being normal and her heart would grow for him again. But from experience she knew it wouldn't be long before he would start to wheedle at her, she knew she would relent and the cycle would start afresh. Still...
She was in love
But this day was not to be like their other go rounds... John began it by crying! Oh, he'd seemed odd and distant for months now... hiding his soiled play clothes from her. Coming in from work, feinting a head ache and going to the guest bedroom where he would log into the computer and stay on line long after she had gone to bed alone... So she was expecting the usual was coming about his all consuming "play" and had her lions girded for that fight when John switched things and started by saying that he was a woman inside! That all they had loved and lived for the past three decades as a lie...
She was a woman numb with love
She felt the room spin and the ground beneath her feet shifted threatening to swallow her up whole... The words coming out of his mouth didn't register! This was her John, the father to her children, the man she had bedded all her life. How can he be standing here before her saying he was a woman? No this is just not possible! He is a man, he's her man! He was a mans man. A pillar of the community! A deacon of their church! A man to be reckoned with!
She was confused by love.
She wanted to scream NO NO NO! but her throat filled with sand and no words came out. Only a cascade of tears. Tears of loss of frustration and anger. He looked at her, the woman of his dreams. The woman who had given herself to him as his wife and mistaking her silence for agreement he bulled on! Some things never changed! The head strong brash young man was still there inside this old grey beard, still rushing head on and not looking where he was going. He started to explain to her how he was transgendered... that he had a feminine side that he needed to express. That it was all about his gender expression and that he needed to be a woman...
She felt her love dying
She shook with emotion, still no words came out... She was filled with more anger, hurt, shock and rage than she had ever known existed but none of it could get past her mute vocal cords... Seeing nothing but assent in her contiuned silence he blustered on... It will be great he said! It will be like my girl friends on line and their wives! Nothing will change, nothing will be different! I will still be your husband and the father to our children, only I'll betheir daddy as their other mommy! We will be a lesbian couple! We can shop together! It will be wonderful!
She felt no love at all
The image of him wearing that way too frilly outfit she'd gotten him in a weak moment came rushing back to her... Him, all tall gangly, stretching that sad little dress in directions no dress was ever mean to be stretched! THIS was what he was proposing? He wanted to take this sexual embarrassment from their bedroom out into the world and he wanted to have her standing there at his side as he did it? What of their families? Their friends? Their neighbors? What would they think of him, of her of them? Oh my God! Their children! Did he think for one moment that he was going to drag them into this too? Over her dead body! They had a father! Where they suppose to know that he had this perversion? that he wanted to play dress up and go round the town pretending to be a woman? Did he think that he was in anyway womanly?
Her love was bleeding
He was her husband! Her lover, her friend.... what was to become of them? Did he think she would still desire him this way? This man she had loved, who's children she had born who was this very moment turning his back on them, on her, on everyone! The selfish bastard! The memory of their meeting came to her and in that moment she saw only that he had been a selfish and rude jerk, and wondered why she had given him the time of day?
Her love grew cold
At last she found voice,... it was the thought of all those years, of her children and of her loved ones and her dying love for him that broke through the shock and disgust she was feeling... A wounded woman her voice shrill as all these thoughts tried to pour out at once No, No, No! A thousand times no! She was not going to have this! He was breaking their vows. The vows that he had made to her before the world and their god. He was ripping her heart out and stomping on it for this? All their dreams were dust for this? Their lives had been a lie for this? She so wanted the man she had married to hold her, to make this horrible person standing before her in his body go away but it didn't happen... Her eyes were red from the tears, her thoughts a jumble her heart breaking... She had to not be here now! She had to be away! She turned from him. His protests falling on deaf ears... she had to get away, away... it was her only thought. away... She turned and ran into their bedroom slammed the door with all her might...
She had no love